chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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