Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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