We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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