fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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