On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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