Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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