Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
