Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
