there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize