if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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