Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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