good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
