the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
