You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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