This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
