Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He shit in the fireplace
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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