Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
