she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
he just fucked me for my cheese.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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