you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i've created a new STD.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
