I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My life is pants optional.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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