I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
