I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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