I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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