I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
