Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
