Ambien. No doubt about it.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Randomize
