I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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