Im at strip club and am horny
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
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