if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
