Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
