I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
