dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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