I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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