Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
