So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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