I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Randomize
