Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
