Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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