yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize