i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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