I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Sex in the backyard? Check.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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