i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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