How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
