I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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