i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you win again, gameday.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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