DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
