i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
What drink are we having for lunch?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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