When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Dicks are not precious.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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