When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
