Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
