I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
