i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
a search helicopter?!
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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