She went from zero to smokin in five shots
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
