remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
