She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
