I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i love accidental penises.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
