Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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