Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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